Blogger Conscious

So I’ve recently entered the world of blogging, my first big step in my goal to becoming a writer and so far my experience has been great. I love reading people’s stories and hearing their point-of-view, even I it differs from mine. It’s just interesting to get glimpses of people’s minds and learn more about different perspectives. I’ve been trying to immerse myself into the blogging industry by finding blogs, following blogs, and most importantly writing. And as I dive deeper into the ocean of blogging I realize how risky it can really be, to be so vulnerable and open to the opinions of others. Some people can really be harsh in judging and it’s impossible to avoid it. Once you post something (anything) it’s available to anyone with a computer or a smartphone. Your opinions, your story, or even your art now becomes a public record. That type of power comes with a responsibility that I don’t think people recognize.

Words are one of most influential things in the word in my opinion. What you say mattes, maybe not to everyone, but your words DO have power. One blog, or even one sentence, can change the mind of a person. By realizing that I began to recognize the responsibility of being “blogger conscious.” I think it’s important to be open and honest when writing, but I also think it’s essential to have a “good” public imagine--to write without judgment, even in commenting each other’s work. By blogging we create an image for the web to see and a lot of the time it’s reflection of who are as a person in the inside that we’re trying to express to the world. Being that vulnerable isn’t easy, to put yourself in the line of fire in an effort to be heard. It takes great courage to reach deep and offer it up to public, for whatever reason. That’s why, in my opinion, I think it’s important to be kind to each other --to speak and listen without judgment, to inspire without preaching, and to give by taking.

We are just people with a computer trying to tell our stories, trying to get our voice heard, trying to express ourselves. I think we should be conscious about what we say because at the end of the day it’ll have some effect on someone somewhere. Just my opinion, as always I’m eager to hear your take on the issue.

The Suppressed Person

Last night, while doing research of writers and blogs, I came across a very interesting writer. His method of writing was very unique and his topic really hit home for me. The blog mainly revolved around his thoughts and emotional ties to a short story written by David Wallace Foster by the title The Depressed Person published in the January edition of Harper Magazine in 1998.

I took it upon myself to read the short story so I could get a first-hand idea of the message Foster was trying to convey. It literally blew my mind how he seemed to grasps the self-loathing and inadequacy a person suffering from a mental illness feels due to the emotional isolation. I know because I’ve felt it, and it sucks. But an interesting idea that he proposed in his story, was that perhaps the mentally-ill sufferers use their diagnosis as a crotch to avoid deeper emotional pain. He didn’t go into detail but as a put mort thought into it and tried to relate it to my life, I began to more fully understand his point (to the best of my abilities).

By focusing on one issue, which may or may not be the most important, we neglect other aspects of our disease that could assist in recovery. For instance, I personally focus so deeply on my current emotions of depression that I forget to acknowledge my past emotional agony that has led me to this point. I overlook the constant guilt I felt as child because of my parent’s volatile relationship. And that feeling of guilt contributes to the self-loathing that I’ve felt in the past during my periods of depression. I think that point of the short was the most profound. I never looked at my circumstances from that point-of-view before and it opened my eyes to another way to think of my diagnosis.

But the blog was so visceral and real that I had no choice but to be captivated by the writer’s own description of his personal experiences with dealing with the pain of discovering a selfless, empathic “real person.” I thought his perceptive was dead-on when it came to the narcissism associated with mental illness (by the way, chronic depression is considered a mental illness).

Suffering with a mental illness makes the sufferer constantly think about how they feel and how it effects them and how to feel better. The illness almost forces the person to seek constant support, either from within or externally (i.e. drugs, support system) and that, in turn makes that person appear selfish, self-serving and narcissistic. Any one from the outside looking at them will either feel pity, having never felt such mental and emotional isolation, or burdened by the constant patience they must exercise to accept that person into their life.

I know this from personal experience. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and it’s not easy trying to convey how feel when I barely can gage my own emotions accurately. I constantly have to seek support and use various “coping skills” to feel “normal.” Without realizing it I “become” selfish to the world around me. Because my mind and mood can change rapidly and without notice, I feel obligated to seek counsel outside of myself by reaching out to my “support system.” The only issue is that eventually it stops being “fun” for the people around (i.e. my support system) and starts to become a burden. Or at least that’s how I feel.

Another aspect of having a mental illness that I don’t think most people realize is the shame associated with the diagnosis. No one would voluntarily decide to be sick, especially in the mind. It’s debilitating and humiliating to not be able to control your mind and emotions. And in result add to feeling of self-loathing. It’s like a catch 22—to feel better overall you have to feel better about yourself, but in order to build self-esteem you have to feel better overall. So how do you win? How can I win? How I do I maintain my support system without feeling like a burden? Find more friends/people to burden? Or try to build a person on an unsteady ground? Or maybe I’m being too hard on myself? I still don’t know maybe the answer will reveal itself over the span of my life and I wouldn’t feel so emotional isolated.

Please remember to comment!

Can Anyone Hear Me?

For me one of the most challenging obstacles I have faced since re-starting my writing career is finding my voice. Initially I thought how hard could it be? I’d simply be saying how I feel about the things that matter to me. I would write about whatever came to mind. I might even mimic some of the writing styles I have been raised on over the years and just add my own flare to make it somewhat unique.
The only issue is that isn’t me. That’s not the writer that I have dreamed of becoming my whole life. I never wanted to be an imitation of someone else, especially considering how important maintaining my originality has always been to me. I always wanted to speak from such a profound and wise place – to be able to invoke thought or even change.  So again I was faced with the problem of, what is my voice? And better yet, how do I discover it?

Over a series of weeks which included the reading of several articles, blogs and a couple of books I started to wonder what my voice would be and how would I get my message out there. “How will I be able to captivate minds with my words?’’ A thought that ran across my mind a many times. The first thing I did was compare myself to the writers of the works I’d been studying. Thinking, what was their voice? Although I read their works, I was more concerned with what their message really was. Then I quickly realized one important fact and I think one of the most essential aspects to realize before becoming a ‘’real writer.’’

I am not any other writer. I cannot find my voice in the works, or rather the words, of other writers and to find my voice, to really hear how I sound, I most speak. I most first find my soul then my heart and lastly my words and speak out right and out loud. I have to truly know myself and extract the truest pieces of my heart and soul then turn that into words. Only in connecting with myself as wholly and as honestly as possible, will I know what it is that I have to say. And after all of that, actually figuring out how I have to say it is the least of my problems.

The bottom line is that with every day and with every word I write, I get closer to discovering my voice. The more I connect with myself and the more I uncover my inner ‘’literary god’’ the more my voice will become as clear and as audible as a diamond scratching against glass. And the more undeniably unique and undoubtedly sacred my words will become.

So the only question I have left to ask when comes to my voice now is Can you hear me?