Blogger Conscious

So I’ve recently entered the world of blogging, my first big step in my goal to becoming a writer and so far my experience has been great. I love reading people’s stories and hearing their point-of-view, even I it differs from mine. It’s just interesting to get glimpses of people’s minds and learn more about different perspectives. I’ve been trying to immerse myself into the blogging industry by finding blogs, following blogs, and most importantly writing. And as I dive deeper into the ocean of blogging I realize how risky it can really be, to be so vulnerable and open to the opinions of others. Some people can really be harsh in judging and it’s impossible to avoid it. Once you post something (anything) it’s available to anyone with a computer or a smartphone. Your opinions, your story, or even your art now becomes a public record. That type of power comes with a responsibility that I don’t think people recognize.

Words are one of most influential things in the word in my opinion. What you say mattes, maybe not to everyone, but your words DO have power. One blog, or even one sentence, can change the mind of a person. By realizing that I began to recognize the responsibility of being “blogger conscious.” I think it’s important to be open and honest when writing, but I also think it’s essential to have a “good” public imagine--to write without judgment, even in commenting each other’s work. By blogging we create an image for the web to see and a lot of the time it’s reflection of who are as a person in the inside that we’re trying to express to the world. Being that vulnerable isn’t easy, to put yourself in the line of fire in an effort to be heard. It takes great courage to reach deep and offer it up to public, for whatever reason. That’s why, in my opinion, I think it’s important to be kind to each other --to speak and listen without judgment, to inspire without preaching, and to give by taking.

We are just people with a computer trying to tell our stories, trying to get our voice heard, trying to express ourselves. I think we should be conscious about what we say because at the end of the day it’ll have some effect on someone somewhere. Just my opinion, as always I’m eager to hear your take on the issue.

What's Your Morning Routine?

We all have them, but what is your morning routine? I want to compare stories, hopefully I'm not the only bum out there. (Fingers crossed) Also let me know what you think about my routine. Post a comment or reply with a video.

Thank you lovely people!

The Suppressed Person

Last night, while doing research of writers and blogs, I came across a very interesting writer. His method of writing was very unique and his topic really hit home for me. The blog mainly revolved around his thoughts and emotional ties to a short story written by David Wallace Foster by the title The Depressed Person published in the January edition of Harper Magazine in 1998.

I took it upon myself to read the short story so I could get a first-hand idea of the message Foster was trying to convey. It literally blew my mind how he seemed to grasps the self-loathing and inadequacy a person suffering from a mental illness feels due to the emotional isolation. I know because I’ve felt it, and it sucks. But an interesting idea that he proposed in his story, was that perhaps the mentally-ill sufferers use their diagnosis as a crotch to avoid deeper emotional pain. He didn’t go into detail but as a put mort thought into it and tried to relate it to my life, I began to more fully understand his point (to the best of my abilities).

By focusing on one issue, which may or may not be the most important, we neglect other aspects of our disease that could assist in recovery. For instance, I personally focus so deeply on my current emotions of depression that I forget to acknowledge my past emotional agony that has led me to this point. I overlook the constant guilt I felt as child because of my parent’s volatile relationship. And that feeling of guilt contributes to the self-loathing that I’ve felt in the past during my periods of depression. I think that point of the short was the most profound. I never looked at my circumstances from that point-of-view before and it opened my eyes to another way to think of my diagnosis.

But the blog was so visceral and real that I had no choice but to be captivated by the writer’s own description of his personal experiences with dealing with the pain of discovering a selfless, empathic “real person.” I thought his perceptive was dead-on when it came to the narcissism associated with mental illness (by the way, chronic depression is considered a mental illness).

Suffering with a mental illness makes the sufferer constantly think about how they feel and how it effects them and how to feel better. The illness almost forces the person to seek constant support, either from within or externally (i.e. drugs, support system) and that, in turn makes that person appear selfish, self-serving and narcissistic. Any one from the outside looking at them will either feel pity, having never felt such mental and emotional isolation, or burdened by the constant patience they must exercise to accept that person into their life.

I know this from personal experience. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and it’s not easy trying to convey how feel when I barely can gage my own emotions accurately. I constantly have to seek support and use various “coping skills” to feel “normal.” Without realizing it I “become” selfish to the world around me. Because my mind and mood can change rapidly and without notice, I feel obligated to seek counsel outside of myself by reaching out to my “support system.” The only issue is that eventually it stops being “fun” for the people around (i.e. my support system) and starts to become a burden. Or at least that’s how I feel.

Another aspect of having a mental illness that I don’t think most people realize is the shame associated with the diagnosis. No one would voluntarily decide to be sick, especially in the mind. It’s debilitating and humiliating to not be able to control your mind and emotions. And in result add to feeling of self-loathing. It’s like a catch 22—to feel better overall you have to feel better about yourself, but in order to build self-esteem you have to feel better overall. So how do you win? How can I win? How I do I maintain my support system without feeling like a burden? Find more friends/people to burden? Or try to build a person on an unsteady ground? Or maybe I’m being too hard on myself? I still don’t know maybe the answer will reveal itself over the span of my life and I wouldn’t feel so emotional isolated.

Please remember to comment!

New Jean Mondays

My Monday’s have greatly changed since high school. In the three years since, they’ve ranged from my only day off, to pay-day, and now the day that I see my therapist. Oh what fun? I mean that without sarcasm. Who wouldn’t like 50 straight minutes to talk about their problems without interruption? Although an essential intervention as part of my adjustment to living with bipolar disorder, it’s still pretty narcissistic. But I still appreciate it and I find it helpful to me in becoming the person I want to be. I really do enjoy and look forward to my “Therapy Mondays.”

This Monday I decided to mix a bit of my past with my current. I brought back “Ripped-Jeans Mondays.” An old tradition I’ve had since junior year. It started off as a coincidence then eventually became an ongoing practice. An occasion that I actually looked forward to, I guess I never really had any bad Mondays. After graduation of high school “Ripped-Jeans Mondays” became a thing of the past. And today of all days was the worst I could have picked to try to bring back the past. In the middle of April it actually snowed and my poor knees had to suffer due to my poor planning.

As I walked through my old stomping grounds of DePaul University I began to reminisce on my time there. Nostalgia smacked me dead across the face and it seemed to hit harder than the windy snow whipping through the air. I remembered all the carefree fun I had with all the new and exciting people I met there. It was the highlight of my life and I loved every second of it. I remember the nights with my dorm mates that lasted until 5am. I remember the long walks through various neighborhoods throughout the city. My first time on my own to truly explore the world around me with new and fun people that helped me open my mind to so many different aspects of life. It was incredible, almost magical.

 I missed the simplicity of my life back then although it was only a couple years ago. I missed my friends. I missed the dorms, and the free food, and even the pompous assholes that strutted around campus like they owned it. Where excitement started in my heart this morning, now only lied sadness. It hurt to no longer to be able to apart of what was going on there. It almost seemed like a dream, like I imagined it all. I think the disconnection of my past and my present was what hurt the most. I am so removed from that point in my life now. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

Then I had to shift my perception. An exercise I’m trying adopt to maintain a positive attitude. And I began to look at the bigger picture. Perhaps, although it’s not the plan I would have liked, it was the plan intended for me. Perhaps I didn’t belong there anymore and my only connection to that place, those things, and even the people involved there, lied in the past. Just a memory of who I was that molded me into the person that I am today. Maybe some of the friends will return, but maybe not. My life will remain intact and I am still a whole person with a whole lot of experience and so much more to experience. I made a conscious decision to not allow my past to dictate who I am today. I have put on my big boy pants and walk the walk I was destined to without getting caught up about what I miss in my past. Whether it's a person or a place or even an experience, I can't hold on to it because it'll only hold me back.

I’m grateful for my past yet hopeful for my future.