The Suppressed Person

Last night, while doing research of writers and blogs, I came across a very interesting writer. His method of writing was very unique and his topic really hit home for me. The blog mainly revolved around his thoughts and emotional ties to a short story written by David Wallace Foster by the title The Depressed Person published in the January edition of Harper Magazine in 1998.

I took it upon myself to read the short story so I could get a first-hand idea of the message Foster was trying to convey. It literally blew my mind how he seemed to grasps the self-loathing and inadequacy a person suffering from a mental illness feels due to the emotional isolation. I know because I’ve felt it, and it sucks. But an interesting idea that he proposed in his story, was that perhaps the mentally-ill sufferers use their diagnosis as a crotch to avoid deeper emotional pain. He didn’t go into detail but as a put mort thought into it and tried to relate it to my life, I began to more fully understand his point (to the best of my abilities).

By focusing on one issue, which may or may not be the most important, we neglect other aspects of our disease that could assist in recovery. For instance, I personally focus so deeply on my current emotions of depression that I forget to acknowledge my past emotional agony that has led me to this point. I overlook the constant guilt I felt as child because of my parent’s volatile relationship. And that feeling of guilt contributes to the self-loathing that I’ve felt in the past during my periods of depression. I think that point of the short was the most profound. I never looked at my circumstances from that point-of-view before and it opened my eyes to another way to think of my diagnosis.

But the blog was so visceral and real that I had no choice but to be captivated by the writer’s own description of his personal experiences with dealing with the pain of discovering a selfless, empathic “real person.” I thought his perceptive was dead-on when it came to the narcissism associated with mental illness (by the way, chronic depression is considered a mental illness).

Suffering with a mental illness makes the sufferer constantly think about how they feel and how it effects them and how to feel better. The illness almost forces the person to seek constant support, either from within or externally (i.e. drugs, support system) and that, in turn makes that person appear selfish, self-serving and narcissistic. Any one from the outside looking at them will either feel pity, having never felt such mental and emotional isolation, or burdened by the constant patience they must exercise to accept that person into their life.

I know this from personal experience. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and it’s not easy trying to convey how feel when I barely can gage my own emotions accurately. I constantly have to seek support and use various “coping skills” to feel “normal.” Without realizing it I “become” selfish to the world around me. Because my mind and mood can change rapidly and without notice, I feel obligated to seek counsel outside of myself by reaching out to my “support system.” The only issue is that eventually it stops being “fun” for the people around (i.e. my support system) and starts to become a burden. Or at least that’s how I feel.

Another aspect of having a mental illness that I don’t think most people realize is the shame associated with the diagnosis. No one would voluntarily decide to be sick, especially in the mind. It’s debilitating and humiliating to not be able to control your mind and emotions. And in result add to feeling of self-loathing. It’s like a catch 22—to feel better overall you have to feel better about yourself, but in order to build self-esteem you have to feel better overall. So how do you win? How can I win? How I do I maintain my support system without feeling like a burden? Find more friends/people to burden? Or try to build a person on an unsteady ground? Or maybe I’m being too hard on myself? I still don’t know maybe the answer will reveal itself over the span of my life and I wouldn’t feel so emotional isolated.

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